Post by Xombie on Oct 6, 2006 12:14:20 GMT -5
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!
"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.
BEEP."
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!
Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it's ____
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you
Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.
Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking...
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.
BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")
Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money.
Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.
Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in.
Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.
hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP)
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.
Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?
Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep)
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep.
Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?
Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!
Hi, you know the drill.
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you
I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.
I'm gone.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message?
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
is so much better & that’s why they're not here. All I can say is leave me a
Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
let the machine get it.
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible .
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.
BEEP."
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!
Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it's ____
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you
Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.
Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking...
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.
BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")
Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money.
Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.
Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in.
Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.
hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP)
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.
Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?
Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep)
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep.
Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?
Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!
Hi, you know the drill.
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you
I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.
I'm gone.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message?
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
is so much better & that’s why they're not here. All I can say is leave me a
Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
let the machine get it.
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible .
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
